Retro Review: …4…3…2…1…Mission Stardust!

Though fans of the Perry Rhodan series will bend over backwards to even deny the film’s existence, Mission Stardust (or, as it was known in Italian: …4…3…2…1…Morte) is a 1967 science fiction film based on the early novels.

The film is hopelessly of its time. From the psychedelic opening credits and groovy soundtrack, Mission Stardust identifies itself right away as a product that has not aged well.

A four-man mission to the Moon, the rocketship “Stardust”, is led by Major Perry Rhodan (Lang Jeffries). The mission is intended to find a source of radioactive material more powerful then uranium.

On the Moon, they find a stranded ship of the Arkonides. Commander Thora (Essy Persson) is trying to save her ship’s scientist Crest (John Karlsen), along with a crew of robots.

The earthmen find that Crest is suffering from leukemia. All seems hopeless except, wait! Perry knows that a scientist on Earth has developed a cure! Perry and others will take an Arkonide shuttlecraft to retrieve the scientist, Doctor Haggard and his serum.

However, one of the earth crewman is supplying information to a crime lord who is after the radioactive material, and sees this as a chance for even greater power. He replaces the doctor and his nurses with his own people, and after they are taken to the Arkonide ship, are able to kidnap Thora in a bid to gain the Arkonide technology.

Instead, Crest outfits Rhodan and Bull with Arkonide technology and they rescue Thora as well as the real doctor, who is able to help Crest. They soon leave the moon in the Stardust, with the promise of bring back materials the Arkonides need to repair their spaceship.

In a contemporary review, Variety noted the dubbing in the film, stating that it was “only fair” and that the special effects were “crude. Indeed, the miniature work is very poorly done. And while it is true that most special effects look shoddy when compared to most of today’s cg imaging, Mission Stardust’s effects are among the worst.

A more recent review notes: “Mission Stardust is an out of this world space race of bad plotting, deliriously inept special effects, and characters who seem intent on proving to one another which one of them is the stupidest.”

The film struggles to decide what it actually wants to be. From the opening scenes of handsome men in space suits (“Take your respirator pills and put your helmets on” Rhodan admonishes his crew in an eerie foreshadowing of Bowie’s Space Oddity) the film’s science fiction trappings eventually devolve into a crude James Bond adventure. The villain of the film, Arkin, is portrayed as an over-the-top Bond villain who carries a tiny pug with him everywhere.

The film has the US military (in service to the government of Mombassa) engaged in a standoff of big guns against the Arkonides’ superior technology. It also manages to have fistfights, evil villains, surprising villains, car chases and nurses with machine guns before the ridiculous plot comes to a head.

There is also a lame attempt at sexual tension between Perry Rhodan and Commander Thora. She unkowingly teases him by undressing in front of him all the while bragging that her species is so much more advanced than the earthpeople. “Why don’t you stop putting on airs?” Rhodan demands as he grabs her arm and turns her around for a passionate kiss in a scene that would even make Harvey Weinstein uncomfortable. Thora’s only comment about that comes in a later scene. “Your eyes are very quick,” she observes of Rhodan. “Just like your hands.”

The mission to obtain the leukemia cure is meant to be carried out in secret, but it is the worst kept secret in the history of the movies. Not only is the entire continent of Africa put on alert, the villain knows exactly who they are looking for and why. He is able to kidnap the real Doctor Haggard and substitute his own agents as the scientist and his female assistants.

Indeed, the entire plot is pretty laughable and some scenes are beyond ridiculous. During a land rover chase across the desert, Rhodan jumps out of his own vehicle to slow down the vehicles which are in hot pursuit. They seem about to overtake the heroes, nevertheless, Rhodan has time to grab two big cans of gasoline and some material and is able to Wile-E.-Coyote an exploding trap for the pursuing villains.

All ends on a high note, however with the villain’s island fortress going up in a blaze of Arkonide explosives and the villain himself being defeated by the unwavering courage of Rhodan and his men. The villain gets his comeuppance by being thrown out the ship’s airlock.

Rhodan then has nothing left to do but to get it on with Commander Thora, to which one of Rhodan’s men quips; “The experiment has begun!”

I’m really not spoiling anything by giving away these plot points. Those that aren’t telegraphed from a mile off are so unbelievably stupid that the viewer is left with no choice but to shake his or her head ant the sheer unbelievability of it all.

Mission Stardust opened in Rome in August 1967 under the title 4… 3… 2… 1… Morte with a running time of 95 minutes. It was later released in West Germany in October 1967 under the title Perry Rhodan–SOS aus dem Weltall with a 79-minute running time. It was later released in Spain as Órbita Mortal with a 92-minute running time. It opened in Los Angeles in October 1968.

Today one can easily find the film on Youtube with a running time that varies between 90 and 94 minutes. Watch it if you dare!